Oh, who am I kidding, it was glorious. The male swans were gusset-wetting sexy. Come the end I was on my feet roaring for more, along with all the adolescent girls, my hands whipped into concupiscent curds of excitement. Anne had to towel me down.
Oh okay, listen, it was all right. Nice music of course, a bit of decent dancing, even some totty. It was also quite boring and disappointing in places. Especially the dance of the little swans, where I couldn't help feeling it was missing something - oh I know - ballerinas.
So why on earth the standing ovation (or half standing ovation)? I can't remember one in a theatre before. Not for the real Swan Lake. Not for Branagh, Jacobi, Dench, not even for Leslie Crowther in panto. Is it yet another modern phenomenon that's passed me by, like Ryan Gosling and Flappy Bird? Has too much Strictly and X Factor turned us into uncritical cheerleaders for the just Ok. Are we all American now? Have we caught a collective dose of ovation inflation?